waiting for the new era

or, ''the end of an era''. that is a much nicer title. there's something magical about it. like an old antique standing under candle light.
it is as if one is constantly longing for ''the end of an era'' and the beginning of
something completely new and exciting.
but then again, the same old lust for the past remains.
one can never be too fed up with memories.
the battle between the known and the unknown.
never satisfied with what you already have in your hands, before your eyes.
the present gets better only as it passes on to the past.
why is that?
no more answers to that please, i think i have found them all.
and every time the familiar thirst for what has been and is no more returns,
no possible answer can quench it.
''you dunno what you got till it's gone''.
it's as if feelings go through a process.
feelings only get better when Time, the magic ingredient, is added to the bowl.
but is that a real and an honest process?
or is it just misleading? are feelings being misled by Time?
do they just get better because the mind only recollects the good parts of what once was?
answers again, in the form of questions.
the fact doesn't change though. no matter how well you can explain it.
that's how it goes with all things.
analyzing is never good enough. never gives closure.
hmmm...closure. the end of an era. there it is again.
funny.
the present finds her always unhappy.
the past, though unhappy at times, is still much more delicious.
gather up your pieces doll. put them in that precious box of yours,
and consider yourself a ''somebody'' because of them.
that's the way aha aha.
that's the only way to get the impression of having an identity.
yeah right.
poor little mice-people. poor little ''she''.
always so unhappy. always so ''i wish i could go back''
she will be old before she knows it. and then everything will be over.
because it's soooo important to be young and beautiful. it's an essential part of the whole ID.
too bad.
i have a good question for her:
what are those things, that she has in her life in the here and now, that she wont notice
until they move to the past? until she has them no more?
every time, same thing.
''i miss this, i miss that''. always about missing. always about not having.
and then, always thinking about past times, about faces she loved, that are no longer
a part of her everyday life.
a clue.
good.
carry on from here.

010909

''Leaves are starting to die'', whisper the urban poets.

Autumn: Maroon skies with spare rooms, locked from the inside.

There will be no more partying. Must find a hiding place for the winter.
It surely must have enough space for some love&snuggling.
(Enough space for one person that is.)

Music will be there. Even when the others have gone to sleep. The Art of Noise will have lots and lots of brilliant exhibitions downtown (at least so I heard.)

(paused. again.)

Clockwork nightmares

sometimes one feels like screaming but then chooses to just sit in silence
sometimes a room can be way too big, even for a claustrophobic person
sometimes time can be scary
sometimes being alone can be even scarier
sometimes one looses the ability to read other peoples minds
sometimes the mind cannot even read its own thoughts
sometimes one misses some things
sometimes one may miss just one thing
sometimes the memory of being hugged feels like it doesn't feel like anything that's human
sometimes one has to remind themselves of being just a being
sometimes it is difficult to write
or do laundry
or listen to music
or laugh to a joke
or
or be strong enough
and not care
sometimes one misses someone they miss
sometimes missing can be horrific
sometimes one can consider drugs as a solution
or death
or parties
or a brain transplant
sometimes crazy is all you can be
sometimes can be such a boring word sometimes
sometimes f*cking sometimes
i hate all of this
says the little voice
sometimes
not always
just
some
ti
me
s
.

Prayer II (profound nonsense talk)

words are no longer the proper media for proper expression.
You knew that already.
images are not empty enough.
You see.
I find no colours.
music is too weak. It can't carry the weight.
You hear.
-Do You?
Are You who You used to be?
I know I'm not.
I wish I were..
I wish I had changed for the better.
I haven't.
I'm stuck.
Am I still dear to You after all this?
Is there any going back?
The 'self' is too strong now...
the holes are too big.
the nonsense has become too profound.
the bondage is getting stronger as we speak.
one cannot be fed with memories.
that is not the role of the past.
it is not a refrigerator.
the present could be.
it should be.
an oven.
hmmm...
maybe it is the future that is the oven.
i am talking to myself again.
this will not work.
not this way.
this is not a dialogue.
this is not accepting either.
must accept the not accepting.
must accept not to try to accept the not accepting.
must forget the must.
delete the must.
hey,You...
sorry, this was supposed to be different.
my stomach has started to fail me.
maybe that's only a good sign.
a sign that at least a part of me is reacting to all this.
all this profound nonsense.

i am writing a new post!!

nothing big and insightful though... just missing the good old days, when tv didn't exist yet!! back in the good old 1900's... ;p

why why why why is it so difficult to do things that are good for us? things that we know are good for us!! it's too ironic.. and tragic. why is it easier to open the damn tv than to open a book???? stupid people.. stupid me.. ;p

(i think this post's sentences must always end with a ;p. )

ok. here's the deal. intellectual people know that they need profound stuff to make them happy, right? and simple people don't think, they just do simple things and they're happy. are simple people more stupid than people who are profound and know what makes them happy but don't go for it???? i don't get it.. i wish i knew less than i already know. (do i really?!) what a coward ;p

(cow....ard??)

;p

Spending time with nothing seems to be easier than spending time with something. Filling the brain with rubbish seems to be easier than filling it with nourishing and progressive things. i wish i could get a satisfying answer to that!! Boredom is underestimated nowadays. it eats up any motivation and will there is. maybe boredom is similar to an empty battery. it's just empty. but then how can boredom be avoided? can't do things all the time... or is it that it's not actually boredom that causes the emptiness, but the result of doing the wrong things at the wrong time. maybe it's all about timing. it's not wrong to watch tv. but it's wrong to watch it when should be doing something else. right? ;p

ok then. bye bye now.

worship chain... ironic.

old thoughts: X-pectations

If i was born a cat, i would only be what cats are made like. I wouldn't be a cat that lives in the water, nor a cat that flies. So, if while me being a cat, i was given the permission to be who i was, then i would have peace of mind. If on the other hand, i as a cat, was born in an environment where cats try to behave like other animals, then it would mean that it is not ok to be a cat and behave like a cat, and do what cats do. If for example, i was taught that i must behave as a rabbit, then not only would i feel bad about my looks being wrong, because my ears would be too small, but also every time i would fail to act as a rabbit, i would feel that there is something wrong with me. I would still know i am a cat, but i would still try to prove to all the other cats that i am a rabbit. Or, if one day i would get sick of rabbits, and the pressure i had on me by others about acting as one, what would be my reaction? To start acting as a cat? Surprisingly, i would then start to act as an animal far more violent and intimidating than rabbits. A tiger for example. But in that case, i would still fail to be a tiger, because tigers are not tigers just because they act like tigers. I on the other hand, would believe that i am finally free from trying to be a rabbit, while i would be missing the fact, that now i was in the same situation, as when i was a cat trying to be a rabbit. The difference would be, that now that i was a cat trying to be a tiger, i would have the impression or the illusion, that it was my own free will that made that change. The fact is, that if i was not told that i had to be a rabbit instead of a cat, i would never have had the need to behave at some point in the total opposite way. Moving from one pollarity to the other, is like becoming a very fat person from being an anorectic. The eating disorder is still there. My self-esteem is still the same. And the funny thing about the whole cat-rabbit-tiger story is, that even if i was moved from that environment of cats trying to be rabbits to an environment of cats being other animals or cats being just cats, i would still feel that those cats expect me to be a rabbit, and so i would become a tiger. At the same time, the cats i would interact with, would think that i expect them to behave in the way that they were taught they had to behave, even if i had no such expectations of them. For example, there would be a cat that thinks everybody expects her to be a cow, interacting with a cat, that tries to be a dog: the expectations each cat feels receiving from the other, are apparently faulse. Because i, as the rabbit-tiger-cat, can only see as far as i feel. And what i feel comes from earlier experience of other cats' expectations towards me. Therefore, imagine the mess that expectations create, just by being faulse and being all around us. From small expectations, to huge ones. Tragically, the cat who would be the most demanding and of no mercy in this manner of behaviour and would set the most pressure, would be the cat i saw in the mirror. Myself.

18.1.2006

old thoughts: Free will

They say that people have the freedom to choose. Does that mean that people are free to do whatever pleases them? Are cats being free when they choose to become tigers instead of rabbits? Well, if we see family as a social institution, then each one of us already has a specific number of data around us when we are born. Of course, this data is not the same for everybody. Each family's data is that family's truth. Truth, which includes values, rules and behaviour patterns. One's truth can also include myths. Myths about one's self, others, or the world. When a child is born in the social institution called family, he or she starts to learn the family's truth. The baby has no freedom to choose what to believe. If mom says to the baby ''i love you'', the baby believes that he or she is being loved. In the same way, if mom says, ''i love you when you are not being naughty'', the baby believes that he or she has to be kind in order to be loved. The baby has the freedom to choose whether he or she will behave in a good or a bad way, but not whether he or she will believe whether things truly are the way mom says they are. Therefore, this is where our free will has been confined for the first time.

Free will cannot mean that I am free to do whatever pleases me, firstly because of my confined data, and secondly because it is impossible to do whatever I want: there are only a number of choices for each person, depending on who this person is. In these terms, free will means freedom to choose among a specific number of choices. Would freedom of choice mean though, that the person choosing to do something should be in a particular state of mind, where he or she can examine their choices without being influenced by something? If that is the case, then is it ever possible for a human being to have an influenced-free judgement? In addition, if the answer to that is no, then wouldn’t it be true that a person’s decision would always be dependent on the influences he or she had while making the decision? And finally, what could those influences be?

People can either make decisions based on their logic, or based on their emotions. When we think logically, we think we get to that state of mind where we are not being influenced by emotions and the outer world. We are not however able to freeze our feelings. They always exist. And our logic is influenced by our feelings. We are free to choose what we feed our brain. The information we receive not only affects our feelings, but our thoughts as well. If someone is not aware of that fact, or tries to ignore it, he will probably find himself in a situation where he makes logical choices according to him, but in reality, he is unconsciously being influenced by his feelings. Therefore, balance between logic and feelings, helps a person be more conscious while making a decision, without his judgement being ‘’secretly’’ sabotaged by his feelings.

Often people say things like ‘’if I could go back, I would have done everything differently’’. Mistakes done in the past influence our present decisions, or at least to some point they do.

The influences we get from the outer world are like drugs. I can choose what kind of music I am going to listen to, but I am not capable of choosing how I am going to react to it. No reaction of mine is sent to me from heaven. Reaction has to be the expression of something already existing on the inside. For each one of us, there are different kinds of stimuli that trigger specific emotions, which then make us react in a specific way. This is the reason why on my opinion, we can only react one way to a certain stimulus in a certain moment of time. For example, if a dog bit a baby girl, she would later on feel terrified whenever she would walk across a dog. Therefore, by examining our reactions we gain consciousness of ourselves and can start focusing on solutions. Reflecting on our experiences and ourselves is something we are always free to do.

We are also free to doubt. The beauty about doubting is that it is the only way for us to start changing our data or expand it with new. It is way too easy for people to just sit back and accept the truth they were taught to be truth, as truth. I believe fear is the enemy of freedom. If I want to be free, I must be willing to admit what is true and what is not. Maybe the reasons that would keep me from doing that are not so significant after all. Maybe freedom of will is all about making questions. And maybe, not making any questions, is a choice too. Once we accept the fact that each and every one of our decisions has certain consequences, and are aware of what those are, we cannot complain about not being free to choose.

23.1.2006

old thoughts: Prayer

I am in my island again. A couple of weeks ago I invited You to join me. Can You come on Your own or do You need my help? Maybe You don’t need a boat, maybe You were there ever since I created my island. Why did I think You wouldn’t find it beautiful? Why was I afraid that if You came, the island would have to change? Maybe it will. Do I want it to change though? I don’t know. Maybe it’s not up to me to decide. Why should anybody be afraid to change? God, we don’t know what’s good for us. We can’t understand what You meant when You said it’s all for the best… We need to know. Be in control. I need to be in control. In control of myself yes, but in control of You too? Who do I think I am? What do I think You are? You are Love. But I wonder… if the way I am capable of loving, is just a fading shadow of the way You love, then how can I understand what it means when You say You love me? If I am used to the fact that those who love me go away at some point, then how can I trust You won’t? I guess You would have to change my concept of what love is. You. Not me. How could I? How did I think I could? How do I still think, in the bottom of my existence, that I can?

This is my island God. It has beaches of soft sand, but edgy cliffs as well. I tried to make them go away. But I’m just starting to realise, that I need the cliffs. Without the cliffs, my island isn’t safe. Dangerous cliffs make me feel safe. What do You think about my cliffs God? I can feel You smiling at them… They were a bit scared You would want them to disappear… Thank You for loving my cliffs God.

I wonder sometimes… I wonder how it feels to feel everything 100%. Are there feelings You don’t feel? Can You feel ignorance? You must know how it is like, but do You ever feel it? And what about hate? You hate sin. How does Your hate feel like… And how does it feel to have feelings for everything that happens? I was sitting on a park the other day, watching people. I watched somebody being arrested by the police. And I thought, how are You feeling about it God? Not just the names of Your feelings, but wondered about something that I will never get to the bottom of. Anyway, thank You for being able to bare my pain, loneliness and anger…

(to be continued)

25.1.2006

old thoughts: not a poem

I can I can’t I can I can’t I can oh no I can not oh yes I can, I can I tell you
Again never again… when will the promises stop…I wonder
Yesterday I believed for one second that I have the option not to be me anymore…I laugh
Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep
even during sleep I have to be me…I panic
Men are humans but women are women…I am
Peter Pan and Cinderella are making out in my brain… how delicious…I imagine
Where will these thoughts be tomorrow…I ask
The song I am singing today will still exist tomorrow but will I be there to hear it…I wait
Maybe tomorrow’s song is something to long for today…I disagree
How much does art differ from insanity…I choose
This is not a poem… I sing
I am not a poet… I scream
Cause poets are scary people… I hide
And I am not…
Hah.

27.1.2006

(whY aRe THere crOsSes uPsiDE doWn oN thE riGhT?)

apocalypse now

i always used to say that there was nothing anybody could say or do that could shock me, because i am aware of how defective-if that is an appropriate word to describe-the human nature is. i was wrong though. it is not how fragile and weak people can be that shocks me, but how cruel and hardened they can be. after all, as a friend of mine used to say, expect anything from anyone. a fault is always expected. but cruelty? is that even natural? maybe things that used to be natural 6000 years ago aint natural anymore, and things that are nowadays considered natural, were not meant to be natural, in the beginning. this takes us back to the discussion about what is natural and what is not. does natural mean pure? and what is pure? daaanny, we've got something to discuss this afternoon, get your brain cells activated ;p

ieg wrf aym nty ths eie vnl f.

pepboas eneeuna oocildd puindna lgagaen ehltsed atlokda rhyoTyb eemoiai nsesnnt teneadl sdol.ll earfioo nyaians ssmsmet iaihalt tnj?nyo iduigao vessrn: esthyd(

Mr.Jingles

discussion

-thats a natural thing.
-is it?
-isn't it?
-well, its just that there can be an entire philosophical discussion on what is natural.
-you mean like, everything that exists, must be natural.
-yes.
-yes but then, if everything that exists is natural, then it is not about what is natural and what is not, but more like what is, and what is not.
-yes you're right.
-i am. its a natural thing ;p

LOOK MAA, I'M ON TV !!!!

The Blue Rabbi

crash (better off).

space airplane war filth bomb silence dust faces streets rain longing back never he him his we not who? why stop leave cry beg born dead speaker deaf leaf green hole cut right truth emotionless bastard sweet warm far off steps stairs up fall pain try see do time through alone choose wings fly near here there nowhere shall me me me me tired words fill fools cats catch hungry victim regret but but but but kiss danger mouth beach calm stiff cliff mine mine mine go go go away again repeat history circle eternity more more speak more weak more love more hate more tear more fear more lust more passion more murder more fluids more dry more movies more masks close door hail world walk drink drunk thought dream think wait wait wait feel between walls well wish hold still pure lies down mere logic math sick hell curse dark fist where we be sea dive bottom surface same name me name me name me name me need strong wise able beautiful sensitive heart mind soul body this is it.



''must go now, my ship is leaving soon and my island awaits.''

squeerl

avva... i am in the here and now. i dont care whether i am gonna withdraw myself away from You again. i know i will. You know i will. But i am here now. You are here now. If we are both here then what can come between us? i dont care about my weakness or selfishness or ignorance or pride or stubborness or anything else. i know You are the one who loves, not me. Nothing else matters. I have killed my song Father. Make my song become alive again Lord God. Let the black clouds of merciful rain quench my thirst. Halleluja El Shaddai, Elohim, Savaoth... my weak little voice sings to the Eternal Lord of Fire and Light.

long before sunday

i wonder how would i be feeling today, if it was sunday instead of wednesday.
i'm glad it's not sunday. that's the difference. moods depend on such things as what day it is.
i finished my school-essay today. that makes the sun seem brighter. i feel it is more than ok. it is brilliant! (i think i'm gonna get a C- and take a dive from the clouds...)

i have decided that ι αμ νοτ γκοιν το ραιτ ιν ινγκλις ενιμορ. γκουντ φορ μι. νοτ γκουντ φορ δοουζ χου ντοντ σπικ γκρικ. μειμπι δει σουντ. μειμπι ιτ ισ ταιμ δε γκρικ λανγκουιντζ μπικειμ δε νιου ιντερνασιοναλ λανγγκουιντζ οφ κομιουνικεισιον. τελεια αντ παυλα.

hmmm

the here n now aint all about this moment after all i think... the past is captured in it and it brings itself forward constantly, which is not a bad thing.... i was exploring old cassettes last night listening to music i once held close... even found some old projects of mine, they sounded funny. It's raining outside. I wish it was raining on the inside as well. Cleansing rain. It's close though. I can feel dark clouds approaching. They seem to move without my help. Strange.
Last night somebody asked me what is it i wish for myself, and i found myself lost between words and images, not able to answer. Which is not a bad thing. I am in a good place of mind. A place filled with music and familiar presences... I think it is possible to be free inside no matter the circumstances outside... Freedom is passing through me every now and then leaving behind a sweet wetness...

here 'n now?

in a bus... everything looks so good from far away... admiration for the profession of the shepherds... admiration for the Sun... Tomorrow seems much brighter when you dont spend the whole afternoon waiting for it to come... life is like a movie you can only watch once...

must take granny for a ride.. again. why is it so difficult to hold on to the good and simple mentality of enjoying life? peace of mind... what do i need to trade for it..? granny?

impossible.