old thoughts: X-pectations

If i was born a cat, i would only be what cats are made like. I wouldn't be a cat that lives in the water, nor a cat that flies. So, if while me being a cat, i was given the permission to be who i was, then i would have peace of mind. If on the other hand, i as a cat, was born in an environment where cats try to behave like other animals, then it would mean that it is not ok to be a cat and behave like a cat, and do what cats do. If for example, i was taught that i must behave as a rabbit, then not only would i feel bad about my looks being wrong, because my ears would be too small, but also every time i would fail to act as a rabbit, i would feel that there is something wrong with me. I would still know i am a cat, but i would still try to prove to all the other cats that i am a rabbit. Or, if one day i would get sick of rabbits, and the pressure i had on me by others about acting as one, what would be my reaction? To start acting as a cat? Surprisingly, i would then start to act as an animal far more violent and intimidating than rabbits. A tiger for example. But in that case, i would still fail to be a tiger, because tigers are not tigers just because they act like tigers. I on the other hand, would believe that i am finally free from trying to be a rabbit, while i would be missing the fact, that now i was in the same situation, as when i was a cat trying to be a rabbit. The difference would be, that now that i was a cat trying to be a tiger, i would have the impression or the illusion, that it was my own free will that made that change. The fact is, that if i was not told that i had to be a rabbit instead of a cat, i would never have had the need to behave at some point in the total opposite way. Moving from one pollarity to the other, is like becoming a very fat person from being an anorectic. The eating disorder is still there. My self-esteem is still the same. And the funny thing about the whole cat-rabbit-tiger story is, that even if i was moved from that environment of cats trying to be rabbits to an environment of cats being other animals or cats being just cats, i would still feel that those cats expect me to be a rabbit, and so i would become a tiger. At the same time, the cats i would interact with, would think that i expect them to behave in the way that they were taught they had to behave, even if i had no such expectations of them. For example, there would be a cat that thinks everybody expects her to be a cow, interacting with a cat, that tries to be a dog: the expectations each cat feels receiving from the other, are apparently faulse. Because i, as the rabbit-tiger-cat, can only see as far as i feel. And what i feel comes from earlier experience of other cats' expectations towards me. Therefore, imagine the mess that expectations create, just by being faulse and being all around us. From small expectations, to huge ones. Tragically, the cat who would be the most demanding and of no mercy in this manner of behaviour and would set the most pressure, would be the cat i saw in the mirror. Myself.

18.1.2006