worship chain... ironic.

old thoughts: X-pectations

If i was born a cat, i would only be what cats are made like. I wouldn't be a cat that lives in the water, nor a cat that flies. So, if while me being a cat, i was given the permission to be who i was, then i would have peace of mind. If on the other hand, i as a cat, was born in an environment where cats try to behave like other animals, then it would mean that it is not ok to be a cat and behave like a cat, and do what cats do. If for example, i was taught that i must behave as a rabbit, then not only would i feel bad about my looks being wrong, because my ears would be too small, but also every time i would fail to act as a rabbit, i would feel that there is something wrong with me. I would still know i am a cat, but i would still try to prove to all the other cats that i am a rabbit. Or, if one day i would get sick of rabbits, and the pressure i had on me by others about acting as one, what would be my reaction? To start acting as a cat? Surprisingly, i would then start to act as an animal far more violent and intimidating than rabbits. A tiger for example. But in that case, i would still fail to be a tiger, because tigers are not tigers just because they act like tigers. I on the other hand, would believe that i am finally free from trying to be a rabbit, while i would be missing the fact, that now i was in the same situation, as when i was a cat trying to be a rabbit. The difference would be, that now that i was a cat trying to be a tiger, i would have the impression or the illusion, that it was my own free will that made that change. The fact is, that if i was not told that i had to be a rabbit instead of a cat, i would never have had the need to behave at some point in the total opposite way. Moving from one pollarity to the other, is like becoming a very fat person from being an anorectic. The eating disorder is still there. My self-esteem is still the same. And the funny thing about the whole cat-rabbit-tiger story is, that even if i was moved from that environment of cats trying to be rabbits to an environment of cats being other animals or cats being just cats, i would still feel that those cats expect me to be a rabbit, and so i would become a tiger. At the same time, the cats i would interact with, would think that i expect them to behave in the way that they were taught they had to behave, even if i had no such expectations of them. For example, there would be a cat that thinks everybody expects her to be a cow, interacting with a cat, that tries to be a dog: the expectations each cat feels receiving from the other, are apparently faulse. Because i, as the rabbit-tiger-cat, can only see as far as i feel. And what i feel comes from earlier experience of other cats' expectations towards me. Therefore, imagine the mess that expectations create, just by being faulse and being all around us. From small expectations, to huge ones. Tragically, the cat who would be the most demanding and of no mercy in this manner of behaviour and would set the most pressure, would be the cat i saw in the mirror. Myself.

18.1.2006

old thoughts: Free will

They say that people have the freedom to choose. Does that mean that people are free to do whatever pleases them? Are cats being free when they choose to become tigers instead of rabbits? Well, if we see family as a social institution, then each one of us already has a specific number of data around us when we are born. Of course, this data is not the same for everybody. Each family's data is that family's truth. Truth, which includes values, rules and behaviour patterns. One's truth can also include myths. Myths about one's self, others, or the world. When a child is born in the social institution called family, he or she starts to learn the family's truth. The baby has no freedom to choose what to believe. If mom says to the baby ''i love you'', the baby believes that he or she is being loved. In the same way, if mom says, ''i love you when you are not being naughty'', the baby believes that he or she has to be kind in order to be loved. The baby has the freedom to choose whether he or she will behave in a good or a bad way, but not whether he or she will believe whether things truly are the way mom says they are. Therefore, this is where our free will has been confined for the first time.

Free will cannot mean that I am free to do whatever pleases me, firstly because of my confined data, and secondly because it is impossible to do whatever I want: there are only a number of choices for each person, depending on who this person is. In these terms, free will means freedom to choose among a specific number of choices. Would freedom of choice mean though, that the person choosing to do something should be in a particular state of mind, where he or she can examine their choices without being influenced by something? If that is the case, then is it ever possible for a human being to have an influenced-free judgement? In addition, if the answer to that is no, then wouldn’t it be true that a person’s decision would always be dependent on the influences he or she had while making the decision? And finally, what could those influences be?

People can either make decisions based on their logic, or based on their emotions. When we think logically, we think we get to that state of mind where we are not being influenced by emotions and the outer world. We are not however able to freeze our feelings. They always exist. And our logic is influenced by our feelings. We are free to choose what we feed our brain. The information we receive not only affects our feelings, but our thoughts as well. If someone is not aware of that fact, or tries to ignore it, he will probably find himself in a situation where he makes logical choices according to him, but in reality, he is unconsciously being influenced by his feelings. Therefore, balance between logic and feelings, helps a person be more conscious while making a decision, without his judgement being ‘’secretly’’ sabotaged by his feelings.

Often people say things like ‘’if I could go back, I would have done everything differently’’. Mistakes done in the past influence our present decisions, or at least to some point they do.

The influences we get from the outer world are like drugs. I can choose what kind of music I am going to listen to, but I am not capable of choosing how I am going to react to it. No reaction of mine is sent to me from heaven. Reaction has to be the expression of something already existing on the inside. For each one of us, there are different kinds of stimuli that trigger specific emotions, which then make us react in a specific way. This is the reason why on my opinion, we can only react one way to a certain stimulus in a certain moment of time. For example, if a dog bit a baby girl, she would later on feel terrified whenever she would walk across a dog. Therefore, by examining our reactions we gain consciousness of ourselves and can start focusing on solutions. Reflecting on our experiences and ourselves is something we are always free to do.

We are also free to doubt. The beauty about doubting is that it is the only way for us to start changing our data or expand it with new. It is way too easy for people to just sit back and accept the truth they were taught to be truth, as truth. I believe fear is the enemy of freedom. If I want to be free, I must be willing to admit what is true and what is not. Maybe the reasons that would keep me from doing that are not so significant after all. Maybe freedom of will is all about making questions. And maybe, not making any questions, is a choice too. Once we accept the fact that each and every one of our decisions has certain consequences, and are aware of what those are, we cannot complain about not being free to choose.

23.1.2006

old thoughts: Prayer

I am in my island again. A couple of weeks ago I invited You to join me. Can You come on Your own or do You need my help? Maybe You don’t need a boat, maybe You were there ever since I created my island. Why did I think You wouldn’t find it beautiful? Why was I afraid that if You came, the island would have to change? Maybe it will. Do I want it to change though? I don’t know. Maybe it’s not up to me to decide. Why should anybody be afraid to change? God, we don’t know what’s good for us. We can’t understand what You meant when You said it’s all for the best… We need to know. Be in control. I need to be in control. In control of myself yes, but in control of You too? Who do I think I am? What do I think You are? You are Love. But I wonder… if the way I am capable of loving, is just a fading shadow of the way You love, then how can I understand what it means when You say You love me? If I am used to the fact that those who love me go away at some point, then how can I trust You won’t? I guess You would have to change my concept of what love is. You. Not me. How could I? How did I think I could? How do I still think, in the bottom of my existence, that I can?

This is my island God. It has beaches of soft sand, but edgy cliffs as well. I tried to make them go away. But I’m just starting to realise, that I need the cliffs. Without the cliffs, my island isn’t safe. Dangerous cliffs make me feel safe. What do You think about my cliffs God? I can feel You smiling at them… They were a bit scared You would want them to disappear… Thank You for loving my cliffs God.

I wonder sometimes… I wonder how it feels to feel everything 100%. Are there feelings You don’t feel? Can You feel ignorance? You must know how it is like, but do You ever feel it? And what about hate? You hate sin. How does Your hate feel like… And how does it feel to have feelings for everything that happens? I was sitting on a park the other day, watching people. I watched somebody being arrested by the police. And I thought, how are You feeling about it God? Not just the names of Your feelings, but wondered about something that I will never get to the bottom of. Anyway, thank You for being able to bare my pain, loneliness and anger…

(to be continued)

25.1.2006

old thoughts: not a poem

I can I can’t I can I can’t I can oh no I can not oh yes I can, I can I tell you
Again never again… when will the promises stop…I wonder
Yesterday I believed for one second that I have the option not to be me anymore…I laugh
Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep
even during sleep I have to be me…I panic
Men are humans but women are women…I am
Peter Pan and Cinderella are making out in my brain… how delicious…I imagine
Where will these thoughts be tomorrow…I ask
The song I am singing today will still exist tomorrow but will I be there to hear it…I wait
Maybe tomorrow’s song is something to long for today…I disagree
How much does art differ from insanity…I choose
This is not a poem… I sing
I am not a poet… I scream
Cause poets are scary people… I hide
And I am not…
Hah.

27.1.2006