old thoughts: Prayer

I am in my island again. A couple of weeks ago I invited You to join me. Can You come on Your own or do You need my help? Maybe You don’t need a boat, maybe You were there ever since I created my island. Why did I think You wouldn’t find it beautiful? Why was I afraid that if You came, the island would have to change? Maybe it will. Do I want it to change though? I don’t know. Maybe it’s not up to me to decide. Why should anybody be afraid to change? God, we don’t know what’s good for us. We can’t understand what You meant when You said it’s all for the best… We need to know. Be in control. I need to be in control. In control of myself yes, but in control of You too? Who do I think I am? What do I think You are? You are Love. But I wonder… if the way I am capable of loving, is just a fading shadow of the way You love, then how can I understand what it means when You say You love me? If I am used to the fact that those who love me go away at some point, then how can I trust You won’t? I guess You would have to change my concept of what love is. You. Not me. How could I? How did I think I could? How do I still think, in the bottom of my existence, that I can?

This is my island God. It has beaches of soft sand, but edgy cliffs as well. I tried to make them go away. But I’m just starting to realise, that I need the cliffs. Without the cliffs, my island isn’t safe. Dangerous cliffs make me feel safe. What do You think about my cliffs God? I can feel You smiling at them… They were a bit scared You would want them to disappear… Thank You for loving my cliffs God.

I wonder sometimes… I wonder how it feels to feel everything 100%. Are there feelings You don’t feel? Can You feel ignorance? You must know how it is like, but do You ever feel it? And what about hate? You hate sin. How does Your hate feel like… And how does it feel to have feelings for everything that happens? I was sitting on a park the other day, watching people. I watched somebody being arrested by the police. And I thought, how are You feeling about it God? Not just the names of Your feelings, but wondered about something that I will never get to the bottom of. Anyway, thank You for being able to bare my pain, loneliness and anger…

(to be continued)

25.1.2006